Explaining it all Away

The course life takes is interesting. I have heard that people live and learn, to make mistakes so they will never have to make the same mistakes again. Learning has always been a little difficult for me.

The moment has always out weighed the past for me. At any point any lesson that I could have learned in the past is gone and I spring for the moment. This doesn't make me outgoing or exciting but most of the time embarrassing. Doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past over and over, looking for the one time that it works out. Although, the one time that it worked out has already past.

Think of the last great day you had in your life. The day that you can remember clearer than the rest of your life. Now imagine waking up on that day again, knowing what you know happened that day, but never getting to recreate it exactly. Something very little would go different creating a different day that was not the one you can remember so well. Making that day so much worse. I guess like the reverse of the movie Groundhog Day, that seems to be how my experiences have been working out.

After most weekends I get such a feeling of regret. Like everything i had said or done could have been better, like I just embarrassed myself. Unfortunately, sometimes this is not just a feeling. I do embarrass myself and at this point my friends already know, and so don't I.

I know it is going to happen, but I still let myself do it. It is a circle that I am stuck in, but even now I want to justify it. To have great stories means you have to be willing to do great things. I am not involved in world travel or extreme sports so I get a little crazy when I let loose. Sometimes too crazy but finding the line at that moment is almost impossible for me.

maybe i will be able to explain it better another day...